the “other” baby (a delivery story)

by humanmama on July 17, 2012

Well, the baby is here and he is wonderful. There are so many things you forget about having a newborn: how they smell, what their little faces look like when they’re stretching, those spooky gremlin-eyes that they make when they are actually asleep with their eyes open… So many things are forgotten in the wake of sleep deprivation and healing from birth. We get to drink him in, now, and I am happy to report that big sisters love him. Mom is recovering, and dad is doing pretty much all of the work around here. Except breast feeding (and, if there was a way…)

But I’m here tonight to discuss the other baby. Not mine. You know who I mean, right? Maurice.

Maurice and I, getting ready for surgery

Maurice is the 250-pound bodybuilder that I have now been avoiding for 6 days. He’s big, he’s made out of stone, and he’s nearly impossible to budge. Yes, Maurice is the post-baby poop.

I know! I know! Those of you who want to stay in your baby-induced bliss comas do not yet want to think of such things! Maurice is a nasty bugger, and you very well may be scared of him. In fact, you should be. He is composed of 15, perhaps 20, compacted meals, all of which have been made lumpy and compressed, diamond-like, by the drugs and lack of sleep and dehydration after surgery. And it’s not just me–if you google “c-section poop” you get about 1.5 million results, most of which are worded like this “terrified to poop after c-section.” The strange thing is that even though it’s something your body has done for your entire life, suddenly you’ve forgotten exactly how to use those muscles, and even if you didn’t, Maurice wouldn’t come easily anyway. He’s stubborn. And I believe he has Mafia ties.

Well, here are things to try to help ease Maurice out. And be “ease,” I do mean “force.” And by “here are some things to try” I mean “nothing has worked yet for me.” Ahh, yes. Being a woman. So wonderful.

Top 5 things to try for the Big Stop-Up:

1. ) Fleet Glycerin Suppositories. Gross, yes, but they totally worked the last time in the hospital. I know there are some things you never pictured yourself doing, but after you have a baby you’re pretty used to a general lack of humility about these things.

2. ) Miralax: a “gentle” laxative which comes in a powder; mix with juice or something and you can hardly notice it. It works as an “osmotic” laxative, that is, it pulls liquid from surrounding tissues and infuses your, uh, poop with that liquid. Supposedly that means eventually you will be able to poo by yourself! Yay!

3. ) A stimulant laxative, such as Ex-Lax or Senokot. But first, these tend to be addicting (although whoever wants painful diarrhea all the time should probably not be invited back to your house), and secondly they are STRONG and work with FORCE, like throwing dynamite into a barrel. So be forewarned, and don’t leave the house.

4. ) Fiber and water. This is what your doctor will say, over and over, when you tell her (or him) that you haven’t dropped a deuce in a long time. But guess what? Maurice will not be enticed out by simply prunes and Kashi. No, he’s real, and he’s not leaving until you have given him everything you’ve got. So DO increase both liquid intake and fiber. But DON’T feel like a failure if that doesn’t work.

5. ) (Now, don’t be scared) buy some rubber gloves, buy some Vaseline. Ideally, you will have taken both these items from the hospital before you left. Get some alone time in the bathroom. Lock the door. Get rid of the other kids. And, don’t come out until the deed is done. Remember, Maurice is a tough guy, and only one of you is gonna leave with your life. May it be you, sister. May it be you.

Land if you need support, or rubber gloves, I’ll be here for you. That is, as soon as I get rid of you-know-who. 

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

bea bea July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

haa! I will never be able to here the song The Joker again without ascribing certain characteristics to this Maurice fellow!

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Maura July 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I am laughing here. I never had a csection, but I know what it feels like to fear how bad it might hurt after a vaginal delivery. But I think I am laughing the most because you said “dropped a deuce.” :)

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aj July 18, 2012 at 9:36 am

Heehee. I can shine episiotomies and c-sections all have their own horrifying and unique pains. And nothing says pain like the phrase “vaginal delivery!”

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twinmamateb July 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

OMG. Hysterical. Although, I don’t know why pooping after a C/S would hurt…pooping with my episiotomy was downright scary. I cried. The nurses laughed. Bitches.

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aj July 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

They laughed?! Grounds for a lawsuit. Or maybe justifiable homicide? No, that’s extreme. But, still. Horrifying.

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Amanda July 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Oh my god, AJ. Pooping after my second baby was the worst part of the whole experience! I never thought I would admit this to anyone, but I totally had to resort to rubber gloves and lube after 5 days with no progress.

Have you not pooped yet, after 6 days? I think you win some kind of medal. That might be a local record.
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aj July 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Ha! I am not totally sure an “awards show” exists for this kind of thing. And, after googling it, I must say that there are people out there who have not pooped for….WEEKS. Goodbye, Guiness Book!

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DV July 18, 2012 at 9:24 pm

well I never had a baby, but I do know that Miralax is a miracle substance. Get the generic. Buy it in bulk. It’s cheaper and works just as good.

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Corey July 30, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Girl, please. Not that I don’t sympathize at all (I had Maurice and his twin too) , but I am the Queen of Poop at my place of employment. (yes, we RNs have weird nicknames and fascinations). Had I but known, I would have given you my secret recipe for evacuating Maurice. =) I have ways.

glad he is no longer part of the picture though!

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