the leak

by humanmama on February 10, 2014

Do you feel it? There’s so much going ON this time of year. No “big holidays” to push you through it. Just stuff. I am trying to Yogic-Breathe through it, like I mentioned before, but I can’t always do it.

Sometimes it crashes over me like a wave, and I feel pulled down into the depths of the homework, and the cleaning, and the driving, and the home- and auto-maintenance. Sometimes I just lose the breath in the hubbub of getting everyone fed, everyone dressed, everyone pottied, getting everyone’s shoes on, and everyone’s coats on. Sometimes I forget my own coat. (Or my own shoes.)

I think that all moms feel this way. Wait–lemme rephrase that. All parents feel this way. But it doesn’t really get talked about very much. If I’m saying “I’m so sorry–I’ve been SO CRAZY this week,” I am actually apologizing for the leak, not the crazy. Because you see, it’s pretty much always crazy around here. Sometimes more than others. But lots of messes and fires (figurative, not literal), and “she hit me’s” and bills to pay, and walk to shovel, and kids to take care of and bathe and oops I forgot we also have a dog. So if I’m saying “I’m sorry,” it’s probably because I’m sorry all the normal crazy leaked out into the rest of my life, when we all like to pretend things are pretty much under control. “I’m so sorry you had to see this…”

Things are pretty much in control, usually. But the “control” I like to see here at home is very different than the control I’d like the kids to consistently exhibit in the grocery store, or while buying mom’s tampons, or when the baby poops and it’s really stinky and we just need to get out of the store in a hurry. It’s not the same. I get that. The kids (usually) get that. But not everyone else gets it. Which, when I think about it, makes me feel a little warmer and more loving towards the kids, thinking other weirdos are judging our weirdness. “Hey! Back off, we’re just uniquely weird.” I need a sign: Please be patient. Our mania is leaking out right now.

So be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you. I’ll catch your eye in the store and give you a wink, a look that says:  I totally understand. And please? Do the same when you see me. I’m leaking all over the place.



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