stuff other people’s children say

by humanmama on June 3, 2013

I love my children. They’re amazing and fun and really, really smart. Talented. Beautiful in a breathtaking way. Especially when they’re asleep.

And, like all kids, they say some amazing things. But for today, I’d like to share with you the stuff other people’s kids have been telling me. Because I know a lot of my friends read this blog just to make sure I’m not writing stuff about them. (Heh, heh, that’s how I get a lot of my readership, you know.) The last few months, kids have been really feeling comfortable with telling me things. And here you go: just one of these kids might be yours.

Me to random kid: “Honey? Do you have to go potty?”
Kid to me: “Um, no. [Doing dance that involves jumping in place while holding crotch. Much like Irish dancer.] -Sign,- okay, I guess I can try.”
Me to kid: “Yeah, good idea.”

Me to child visiting: “You all must be thirsty. Do you want water, or apple juice?”
Child visiting: “Watermelon.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I meant water or apple juice.”
Child visiting: “I’ll have watermelon.”
Me: “Um, sorry, I don’t have any watermelon. Do you want something to drink?”
Disdainful child visiting: “Well, we have the best watermelon at my house.”

Me to playdate friend: “Okay! I know you love mac and cheese, so I made it for lunch. My kids don’t like it, so they’ll have PB&J.”
Playdate friend: “Ugh. I just don’t feel like mac n cheese.”
Me: “Hm. Well. What do you feel like?”
Playdate friend: “[BIG sigh] Ummm, hm. Do you have any chocolate?”
Me: “Nope.”
Playdate lunch nazi: “Well, can you just go buy some?”

Me to kids: “Everyone go potty before we leave, please.”
Girl about to go up to the potty: “Girls have a vagina.”
Me: “Yes. Better go potty!”
Girl: [Eying me suspiciously:] “Do you have a vagina?”

Girl to me: “Bums stink like stink.”
Me: “Yes, that’s true.”
Girl to me: “Your bum stinks. You tooted. You smell like stink.”
Me: [Thinking to myself: actually I thought that was you, kid. What IS that smell, then??!]

Thank you for letting me blog about your kid. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before entrusting them to my care. Or, just keep tuning in to! Heh heh heh.


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