sorry to disappoint

by humanmama on March 5, 2016

Kids:

I hope I don’t let you down.
Wait–let me rephrase that. I’m going to let you down. Don’t even argue, I won’t argue either. It’s a fact. I’m your parent. I am with you and in charge of your life for so many hours per day that it is next to impossible that I won’t let you down once an hour, let alone once in a while. So I am going to for sure let you down.

I’ll start over.

Kids: I am so sorry I’m going to let you down now and then. It’s a fact of life, yes, and it’s impossible to avoid, yes, but you are so vital to me, such a part of my heart and body that I will be lying in bed in the middle of the nights sometimes just going over the time you needed me and I messed up. The cool thing is, sometimes you’ll be doing that too, if I raised you right. And the best thing of all is that, if everything goes okay, we will both be kind enough to say sorry when we know we’re wrong, and to say “I forgive you” when the apology comes our way. But I’m going to let you down, so please know that I love you and I’m sorry in advance. Hopefully we both have the strength to both talk about our relationship and make it better when the natural ebbs and flows of life come, as they do.

What I meant was this: I don’t want to let you down in the big ways. When you need me. When you’re calling from a party and saying your stomach aches but really you need to get outta there. I hope I don’t let you down when you need to talk and I don’t want to. When you say “this is hurting me” and I don’t want to hear it. I hope I can listen to you when I disagree with what you’re saying, like a lot, and I hope I can really take into account what you mean and try to understand you. I hope we can be friends, because I have loved birthing you and clothing you and wiping your bum and singing you to sleep a million nights but I’m pretty excited to be your friend, too. To be your mentor and not just your caretaker.

Thanks for being my kid. I love you.
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