re-learning to fly

by humanmama on July 16, 2013

I’d really like to get in some good shape. I feel like I’m pretty strong but by the end of the day I’m aching, my back hurts, my neck hurts, and I want to just sit down with something unhealthy and eat. I joined a gym, but something tells me that to really get in good shape, eating-wise and strength-wise, I’ll need to go back to work first. Because all I do is be at home, or near the home, or coming home, or just leaving home. Which is where we store the food in this family–at home–and is therefore where I spend a really, really lot of my time trying not to eat the food. The junk food, specifically. I usually just don’t buy junk food, since I have absolutely no will power at all. Lately there have been so many parties and holidays and I revert to thinking okay, I’ll eat all this cake right now and then I don’t have to eat it in the morning! That’s really how I think–oh, no, now I have to finish all this candy… I don’t know where it came from (well, I have a pretty good idea…) but I really, really don’t want to pass it on to my kids. “Everything in moderation!!” I say to them, weekly or maybe daily. You can have one cookie but let’s not have the whole box. It’s perfectly fine and good to want one serving of ice cream–heck! even the whole box!–but not every day! I try not to use the words pig and gross and weird about my kids, partly because those are my own triggers and partly because they’re not pigs. They’re not gross. They’re not weird. Well, at least, not to me. (Not for this family, heh heh.)

Nope, my kids are amazing. Like all kids that start on this earth. They yearn for motion, for health, for fruit and veggies. Unless you tell them over and over that’s not what they like. They ache to jump, and run and be free to get really, really dirty, and unless you’re stopping them, that’s what they’re going to do. That’s what they’re good at, so when you stop them from being those things you’re stopping them from doing the one thing that they’re an expert at and they can get sad, and shut down in a way. Maybe that’s why we start vegging out, start playing video games and texting and going on the internet and rolling our eyes more in middle school. Too irritated, too tired of people saying no, wait, sit down, get up, wash off, clean up, get down, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Now, there’s of course a time and a place. For running around and for eating junk food and for eating healthy and sitting still. For reading all night and for sleeping from 8pm-8am. There’s a time and a season for doing all the things you love as much as you can until you burst, and also for rest, and quiet, and stillness. And there’s even a time for re-learning, for re-teaching your body to run and to swim and to jump and to fly. That’s what I’m doing, now, practicing and re-learning. Trying to remember that it feels better to run than to sit and eat. It’s so hard when your coping skills include sitting and eating, to try to make them running and jumping. But it’s possible.

So I might lost that extra 10 pounds by being away from here. But really? If I spent as much time as they spend climbing, and bouncing, and pretending, and flying, I know I’d lose the weight and then some. So maybe I’ll be a little easier on myself and just try to fly for a change. Hm. You think the kids will teach me?

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