putting it out there

by humanmama on August 23, 2013

It’s kind-of been a rough week, and by that I mean month. And, by month, I am actually talking about this entire summer. Yeah, yeah, the beginning was all about staying up late and sleeping in and pancake breakfasts and museums, but this last month has been just a rush of nothing and boredom followed by a rash of hitting, biting, whining, and aggressively apologizing (but not really) for the above. It seemed the more we did (POOL DAYYYY! Zoo!) the more my little horde demanded we do, like something out of the movies, or maybe Star Trek: little gremlins or tribbles whose needs and desires just keep multiplying until you think there can’t possibly be any more but you know, oh yes, there is always more.

I saw some moms tonight (“Where are you going, mom?” “To a meeting.” “Can I come?” “NO IT’S ONLY FOR MOMS.”), and luckily they all said the same thing. “Luckily” because we all exchanged stories where we were actually the worst mom ever and yet there was always another story just like it, some other mom saying “me too!!!” Meaning we can’t actually be the worst moms ever (unless of course by some twist of fate all the worst moms in the universe were are the same bar tonight…nah…).

I think staying at home is driving me over the edge. And the more I think of it, the more I think of how many moms I know that have something, even if they don’t have a job outside the home, because good lord, you go totally nuts. I was at a funeral last week looking at all the photos and I was thinking I don’t want this. I don’t want this to be the best part of my life, now, with the kids, so that in 15 or 20 years I hardly smile anymore in photos. I am (strangely) okay with knowing I will yearn for this time one day, when the kids were little and you could hold them and breathe in the smell of them, but hopefully I will still be able to remember all the heartache and work that went along with this time to not constantly wish I had it back.

I have been feeling lately (and this is big for me. It feels really weak to put this out there, but it’s the truth, so here ya go:) like I have nothing left. Like I have no career and hardly any friends that I can see away from the kids, no hobbies anymore, no time to myself, no “show” I watch–almost like myself is drifting away, being replaced by this nice but sometimes really short- tempered babysitter/ nanny/ housekeeper. Who doesn’t get paid.

It’s so strange to want to stay at home, but to also feel trapped, like I don’t have another choice. “Aren’t you a writer?” people ask, but that’s only after the kids go to bed. And I’m so tired then…

Suggestions and love are welcome. Free babysitting and partially-used Starbucks gift cards are always accepted. But probably what I need most is a way to rediscover who I am. And I’m not totally sure how. So that, my friends, is putting it all out there.

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonym August 24, 2013 at 12:31 am

Get out there and do something other than mom. Volunteer for something new and different, give blood, test yourself in a new way, read a challenging book and reflect on its greater meaning and significance and/or join a book club, complete a race or participate in some other friendly competition that requires goalsetting, find a community to get involved with, talk with people, contribute to a community, receive recognition for something, and at least once everyday laugh, be moved or inspired, be thoughtful, and be spiritual. Help those less fortunate.

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Twinmamateb August 25, 2013 at 3:26 pm

People often ask why I work part time, and this is why. I *need* time away from my kids. I need to have an identity other than “mom” or “wife”.

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Stacy August 26, 2013 at 10:07 am

You are not alone! You have a group of mom friends you see at a bar! I too get crushed by how nothing is for me. I can’t eat how I would like – no money or time. I can make myself look how I like – no money or time. I can’t see the few friends I have – no money or time. Everyday I get up and come to an office that sucks the life out of me then rush home to cook, clean, bathe, whining, screaming, pouting, laundry, bed. I can’t even clean my house the way I want because I’m not there enough. But then I remember I have small children and a husband who are generally messy and ALL consuming. When my 1 year old is 5 I will have more time and money. I won’t have to buy a new wardrobe every 5 minutes. I won’t be chasing after him trying to change his diaper, roll the toilet paper he unrolled, pick up the food he smashed on the floor. This time of total consumption is limited and they will be out playing with their friends while we look at a clean house and wonder “what should I do now?”. I know I want to learn golf or play tennis. I want to ride a bike I think. I’ll be able to do that in 5 years and then for the rest of my life. We’re in the trenches for sure but you’re little guy will go to preschool maybe even in 1 year for a little bit and then you’ll have an hour two days a week of freedom and then you’ll get more and more. When they are all in school life will change. This is what it is for now. It’s right we have nothing right now. We will enjoy our hobbies SO much more when we get them in 5 years. I think. But you are not alone and we should make virtual moms night out once a month so we can vent about these things until that time comes. You are amazing. I am always in awe of you.

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aj September 17, 2013 at 8:08 pm

I don’t really “see” them at the bar…but you’re right! It’s more like “saw” them at the bar :) Blessings..even the little ones.

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aj September 17, 2013 at 8:08 pm

p.s. I love you too :)

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