kid physics

by humanmama on August 31, 2012

Now they say that “having a baby changes everything.” But what your friends, and neighbors, and peers are not telling you is that it really does change everything. In fact, it changes the laws of the universe! Can you believe that?! Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Here are some examples of Baby Physics, or as I like to call it, “The Theory of Parental Relativity: It’s All Relative.”

Car Seat mathematics: baby weighs 11 pounds now. Car seat carrier weighs, maybeatthemost, 5 pounds. But together? The baby in the carrier mysteriously weighs approximately 65 pounds. See?! Magic.

Calliou. The most hideous and horrible show. If I were his parents, instead of always being cheerful and patient, I might say “now is the time to stop whining, Caillou.” (If you like it, I will not judge you. But my kids can’t come over anymore.) Who would like this awful show, I ask you? My kids, of course. I am telling you that Caillou is such an annoying and whiny little boy (cute in that way…like a puggle) that the other day the narrator interrupted him I am telling you…she did. On his own show. I don’t like to even let the show be on in the background while I clean…so of course that means my kids love him. Of course they do! Another rule of kid’s physics: the more you hate something (YO-O-O GABBA GABBA!!!) the more your kids will love it. Call it the Kids Law of Incongruous Enjoyment.

Buttered toast lands butter-side down. Babies never spit up over the hardwood floor if you have carpet nearby. Children like to wake up in the middle of the night, but only when you’ve finally gone to bed and hit the very firrrst stages of REM sleep. Yes! Again, kid’s physics is in play. You can call it Murphy’s Law of having Children: what can go wrong will.

Or, you can just call it life.

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