it’s not easy

by humanmama on March 5, 2012

I want to feel like I’m taking it all in, and enjoying this all. This will probably be the last time I am pregnant again, and the last time I have a 5- and 2-year old, just them to tuck into bed each night. I want to feel a deep sense of satisfaction when I leave their room, little girl sleeping soundly, big girl tucked in and humming to herself and her stuffed animals. I want to descend the steps with a heady feeling that I’m winning, that I’ve got something together, at least.

And sometimes I do.

But mostly? I don’t. Mostly I trudge down the steps, body exhausted, baby kicking, and survey the chaos. I throw some toys into their basket, and then make a round into the kitchen. Life is a beautiful treasure, so worth enjoying. But mostly I don’t see the treasure. Mostly, I see the dishes.

And the dog, waiting patiently to get that hourlong walk that we both so dearly need.

And the beeping of my phone, texts and messages asking if I can pick up someone tomorrow, and be somewhere else, and purchase something needed.

And the floors that are positively screaming “hey, it’s winter and we really need to be mopped, it’s ridiculous how dirty we are. I mean, look at your socks for cryin’ out loud.”

And I see the lists, the long, long TO DO lists that I make all the time and leave everywhere. And sometimes things are checked off. But not always. And more often than not, not everything.

Never everything.

So I do what you do, what we all do. I begin loading up the dishwasher. I let the dog outside with the promise of a good walk another day. I run down to take out a load of laundry and put a another in its place. And I get by the best I can.

It never ceases to amaze me that one day this will all seem like the treasure. Even the laundry pile with the mildew at the bottom. Even the paper stacks that never seem to end.

Even being pregnant. Even being tired. Even being able to run down the stairs and bring up a heavy load of laundry, all by myself. Yeah, that’s something that will humble you. Look forward about 50 years, and then try to tell me it sucks now.

Well, I know it does now. But still, one day this will all seem like the treasure.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Emily March 6, 2012 at 7:13 am

I don’t think laundry will ever be a treasure, LOL!

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