irascible if you let it

by humanmama on November 27, 2012

I looked up the word irascible today because for some strange reason, I felt like it would describe me. And it did. Today I was completely irascible.

Synonyms: choleric, crabby, cranky, cross, crotchety, fiery, grouchy, grumpy, irritable, peevish, perverse, pettish, petulant, prickly, quick-tempered, raspy, ratty, short-tempered, snappish, snappy, snarky, snippety, snippy, stuffy, testy

I didn’t feel that way all day, but it crept upon me as the day wore on. I babysat friends’ children (they were well behaved). I cleaned up from our trip away this weekend, which still isn’t completely cleaned-up-from and is driving me nuts. I dealt with a three-year-old who absolutely refuses to take a nap although she obviously needs one. And that situation is compounded by the fact that her mother so desperately needs a nap too. I felt the anger, the crossness, the crabbiness, the ratty short-temperedness creep up through my body all day, like a bad sore throat, more noticeable all the time: skritch, skritch, skritch.

I hate feeling this way. And it always says to me Go back to WORK. Staying at home is doing this to me, I know. Sometimes it’s like heaven: you know what’s happening with your kids all the time. You’re saving money. You attend to their every need. But sometimes it’s hell: you attend to their every. Single. Need. At times it’s my life, staying at home, and at times it takes over my life. It’ll make even the most sweet and kind mama think the thoughts that would make the baby Jesus weep in horror. “Mommyyy?” GET BACK TO BED GODDAMMITTTTT!!!-Ahem.- “Why are you still up, my dear?”

Today was a life-takeover kind of day. I had to tell Carp that I needed to take back the rental movies just so I could go in the van, to the store, by my (*@#%#) SELF, and listen to Lady Gaga with the bass up all the way. I want to keep driving all night. But after about a half hour, I remember how terrifically tired I am. It’s like an abusive relationship. I couldn’t leave, even if I tried. So I don’t. I come back and start cleaning. Again.

Just now Helena, lovely, amazing 6-year-old, is awake still. And although I want to say WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT OF BED AGAIN??!?!?! But I don’t. I say to her: “Helena? What’s up?” and she says she can’t sleep. Again. We went through this 50 minutes ago. I thought she was asleep by now. I say honey, honey, it’s so late. Go to bed. I’ll be up in a minute. And she says “Mom? Um, I need to know? How do I get to sleep? I just keep trying.” So I melt. I turn the car around, of my mind, the one driving to the border to get away from here.

I’ll get a rice bag to put on her eyes. I’ll warm it up and tell her it will glue her eyes shut and she can go to sleep. She will go to sleep eventually, and I won’t work out. I won’t budget. I won’t lose weight or plan the meals for the week or make Christmas lists or home improvement lists. It’ll begin again tomorrow and it will be the same. But I’ll try to be happy, maybe get out of here sooner before my edge becomes just edgy. Even good mamas need a break. And then I can look up a new word.

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Allison November 28, 2012 at 8:27 am

I love this!

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Mommy_Ronni November 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Thank you for writing this. I’ve been home with my 2 year old son since I was laid off the end of Aug. Sometimes, I love it. Sometimes, I want to run away–as far as I can possible get. On those days, I feel like a terrible Mommy.

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aj December 4, 2012 at 11:46 pm

You’re not a terrible mommy–it’s honest to be honest. And you’re a good mommy…modeling honesty ;) It’s a rough road. We’re in it together ;)

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