If you don’t want kids, read this

by humanmama on February 26, 2014

Sometimes I’ll be overhearing a conversation between friends (this is also known as eavesdropping) and I’ll listen to one friend say “I don’t think I want kids.” Then, I’ll listen to the other friends (men and women, it doesn’t matter) try to convince (…coerce…bully…) that person into wanting kids. “But kids are so sweeeeeet!” some well-meaning friend will say. “They’ll take care of you when you’re older,” says a parent-friend, holding a baby, dutifully wiping barf off his/her shirt with a napkin.

There are things about being a parent that everybody just loves. Like, when your kids learn to say “Mama” for the first time (or, if you’ve adopted older kids, the first time they refer to you as “Mommy”). The first time they hug you, the first time they can say “I love you,” the first kiss (wet, sloppy, loving) they bestow on your lips. (You know the one–the one you really want to wipe off but resist because it’s so unbelievably adorable?)

Then, there are the other things. The others.

There’s poop. Like, lots of poop. Like Benji (age 19 months) can both say “Poo-poo?” and “EWWWWWW” which I assume is because every time anyone around him smells his poo-poo, they scream “EWWWWW” at the top of their lungs.

There’s boogers. I mean, boogers for miles. I’m sure that, like a snail trail, if you put the combined nostril mucus of all three of my lovely children together, you’d dwarf the Empire State Building. And, of course, you’d slime it, too. (This is so Ghostbusters, right? Maybe it should be Ghostbusters #3: Embooger State.)

There’s so much laundry you wouldn’t believe. The average person has, what, say, maybe 4 dirty pieces of laundry a day? Underwear, socks, maybe your shirt. Pants could go another day or so. Sweater can be spot-cleaned. This is what my life was like, yes, before the children. After, it’s just simply amazing the clothes we can go through in a day. There’s a whole outfit for each kids, often two (and maybe THREE) for the baby. Carp works hard, so often at least one + outfit for him, and me? I wear the same outfit every single day, as you know if you see me at school pickup, so at least I’m making up for all their laundry. Even still, we have a laundry chute, which the kids think means “if I drop it in the chute it doesn’t have to be folded and put away!” (P.S. That IS what happens. A magic “mom fairy” does the laundry, folds it, and puts it back into your drawer. But only because she didn’t realize it was clean.)

There are so, so, so many moments of whining. I started saying to my kids a LONG time ago “What? I can’t hear whining.” And that sort-of works. But sometimes you can tune it out, sometimes you can deal with the problem. And sometimes it drives you mad….

So if you don’t want kids, please. Heed my advice. Although everyone else wants you to have kids, please don’t. Just go around being that amazing aunt/uncle/friend that you are being right now to those children in your life. But by all means, if you want to try some kids out for the weekend? You can try mine. The entire weekend! Act now! Limited time only!

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