I surrender

by humanmama on May 14, 2012

This was going to be an uplifting post. But it’s not going to be.

Instead it’s to say I cracked. Today. Well, something cracked. And I could just. not. do. it. The kids were pretty…normal. Not too listen-y, but not terrible. I babysat some other kids this morning which went fine. I didn’t sleep well last night, but when do I anymore? Things weren’t so bad. But around noon, I felt something cracking inside me.

I just couldn’t do what I normally do. I couldn’t put the face on, I couldn’t ramp up my energy levels. I couldn’t muster the inner strength to overlook the 5, or 10, or 20, incidents of not listening. I just couldn’t get it together today.

I’m not sure it’s ever happened to me before. Not like this. Not like with two kids to care for and being pregnant. But I just wanted to curl up into a ball and lay on the floor. I wanted to bite into a poisoned apple for a few decades of reliable sleep. I wanted to run away, run away like Janie and the Gun and just get outta here, for a moment. Or a week. Sometimes when I feel an inkling of this feeling, I read this from one of my favs, and I count my blessings all day long. But it didn’t help today.

I don’t know what it was. It felt a little like the terrible postpartum I must have had when I first had Helena, just sitting in the hallway bawling at 3 in the morning with her, nursing, sticking, in the 90-degree weather, listening to the a/c and Carpenter snoring on the other side of my bedroom door. Feeling like I couldn’t ask for help, because he worked, and because everyone had to go through this time, right? And because I didn’t know how.

But this time I knew what to do, a bit. And this is no postpartum, so I’m not wrecked like I was then. I called my sister. I called my sister in law. I vented and I asked for someone to come get the kids and take them to a playground. It was a start. It was a step.

Of course, Lilly didn’t go, she wanted to be with me, and began putting her to bed at 6pm only to have her scream bloody murder until 8:15 or so. And Helena, dear one, listened nicely to stories and then told me “goodnight,” only to get up 5 minutes later and tell me she’s too afraid to sleep in her room.

It’s not a good day. But it’s a day. And since you understand, I’ll put it out there for you. Send me love and good tidings, prayers and hope for today, and it’s likely that tomorrow will be better. I have hope. But if you find me tomorrow night hiding under my bed, kids screaming, dog barking, house a mess, then please, pull me out and take me away. I just need a break.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin May 14, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Hang in there. And be easy on yourself. It takes a lot of energy to do what you do every day. And there is a reason that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Everyone has days when they feel defeated, and I think all you can do is accept them and know that it’s just one day. I hope tomorrow is better, but if it isn’t, kudos to you for being honest about it- with yourself and with the people around you who can lend a hand. You’re ok. And so are the kids. (Remember, they have bad days, too. They get it.)
xoxo
Erin

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aj May 15, 2012 at 7:51 am

Thanks Erin…hopefully it’ll get better….if not, I only have 8 weeks left until the next big phase, right? Xoxo PS Sleep deprivation is definitely torture. Navy Seals my ass.

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hollyweasel May 14, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Some days are shit. Some battles are lost, and you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start the next day. This last weekend Ellen and I went to Chicago. We were looking for this specific pizza place and couldn’t find it so we just went into some random restaurant. Ellen’s mom was driving us all crazy (she came too) and baby was crying and the GPS on the phone lead us down the right street and the food was sub-par.

And then I noticed a table across the restaurant of a woman who looked exhausted, feeding what I am guessing was her 14 year old son with a spoon because he was in a wheel chair and paralized.

None of the shit I was worried about mattered. All of it just seemed like stupid bullshit when I thought about her the day before mothers day and how heart breaking every moment must be for her. I started thinking about baby and how it could all be different or I could lose her or Ellen in a second.

Some days are shit AJ – and yep, you probably could use a break. But pick yourself up, dust yourself off – and get back on the horse because time is so fast and life is so precious.

Also I am sure the hormores are messing hardcore with you – Ellen was a train wreck towards the end of the pregancy. I am surprised she didn’t chop off my head in my sleep.

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hollyweasel May 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Also good for you for asking for help. If you ever want to get away with you and Carpenter after peanut baby comes along – let me know. I have great codes and can get you a cheap vacation to help.

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hollyweasel May 14, 2012 at 9:45 pm

And one more thing. It takes major balls to do what you do. And what every mother does. Major, titanium, bullet-proof balls. I don’t know how you or Ellen does it – but everyone is impressed. Even idiots that act like they are not – they are. So if you ever need a little boost, just remember about your super, titanium balls – and what a bad ass you are. And you can bet your ass your girls know about them too. Keep your chin up AJ – it will be better tomorrow.

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aj May 15, 2012 at 7:49 am

Holly, you’re so awesome. I just laughed and laughed reading those comments. Thanks.

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Kristin May 15, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I used to think hormones were for sissies…but then I had kids and DAMN those hormones pack a punch! Third trimester + 2 kids = inevitable emotional funk at some point. Try to go easy on yourself and know that I think you are one amazing woman (for what it’s worth). :) My mom told me something really excellent when Brendan was brand new and Zoe was being ridiculous. She said “nothing lasts forever…good or bad!” So when it’s pure shit, I think this too shall pass. And when it’s perfect, I think enjoy the hell out of it now because it’s going to change just so I don’t get cocky and think that I’ve got this mom thing all figured out. :)

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aj May 17, 2012 at 7:33 am

You’re a great friend…wish you lived closer! :) (Or that I did…!)

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