god said haha

by humanmama on July 23, 2010

Things are just so old-testament around here.

Sometimes I think that, if there is a God, and she does listen to prayers, she’s gotta be getting a pretty good laugh. I think of some friends, several in fact, who told us when they were pregnant “we’re not going to let having a baby change our lives.” I think of God hearing that, throwing back her head, and laughing, hysterically. The kind of laugh where at first you’re joining in, like after you tell a joke to a friend, and then after a point you’re kind-of looking around, uncomfortably, thinking “Maybe I overdid it…” I picture her wiping tears away, laughing uncontrollably, maybe like a grandmother with just the slightest bit of dementia, where the laugh is not even about what you said but about all the things that come along with it. I picture me saying that, and then God just flipping through the next 5 or 6 decades of my life in an instant, and laughing.

Since we’re in the midst of having kids and still talking (crazily, I know) about having MORE children, I thought I’d discuss it with you, dear reader. In fact, I’m trying to actually write all of this into a book so I could get paid for my words of caution, instead of just giving all this good stuff away scott free.

Three is an odd number, I’m aware of that, and as I just have two kids and come from a family of two kids I don’t know three. My mom said that a doctor she once heard of used to tell people “you can’t have only one child, since that leads to only child syndrome. Two kids is too much conflict, and with three you have the ‘lost middle child.’ So, your family doesn’t really begin until you have four or more.” I am sure that this doctor was a man, and living comfortably between patient visits and golf tourneys while his wife was at home, wondering just how many times can one clean the living room before one goes absolutely bonkers.However I must admit, I’m still considering more than two kids, and I think it’s because of the power of it all.

I think people who create big families must be absolutely drunk with power about the thrill of creating MORE LIVES with just their LOINS! (Ew, “loins.”) Anyway, they must be drunk on something, right?? Haha. But really, I think about stopping having kids right now and somewhere inside me I think, just one more…it’s so fun to see how they turn out. Okay, okay, I realize if you’ve read my first blogs from Helena’s first few months you’re thinking, um, “craaaazyyyy,” but didn’t I warn you that children steal your brain cells? That’s something they don’t tell you. There’s the umbillical cord stealing your nutrients, but then there’s something else, it must be the sixth sense of babies, which also steals your brain cells upon your first meeting and just progressively wears you down for years. I know it must be connected to ESP, since it happens whether you birth the child or adopt. We’re all in this together, folks.

So two kids is a little overwhelming. What is three like? Or four?? And why is having kids so damn expensive these days? If there’s anything that bonds moms, it’s money worries. And, of course, feeling like you’re fat. (Actually I’m sure dads can bond on those things too. I knew a kid from college who used to eat a “cheese salad” for dinner every night. That’s shredded cheese with croutons and dressing. I’m pretty sure he won’t be doing that into his 40’s.) These answers and more will be revealed in my book. Look for it in stores in 2012.

See? Predictions, ponderings, children being created from loins? Very old testament. All I need is a little “Thee’s” and “Thou’s” and I could have a best seller!

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin Alkire July 23, 2010 at 11:18 pm

I love your blog, AJ! You are so witty, honest, and open. I read it and I think "exactly!" Except you express it so much better than I ever could. So glad we have reconnected! :)


Anonymous July 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm

The 3rd kid is always the best; witty, intelligent, good looking, nice smell…a class act all the way…just look at me ;+)



Jessica {Team Rasler} July 24, 2010 at 1:48 pm

As a third child myself, I am still having trouble imagining stopping at two, even though my second is only 2 weeks old and I am still unsure how I will manage both boys when I don't have my parents staying here anymore! So yes, I'm with ya on pretty much all counts (including disliking the word 'loins')!


buckycatt August 29, 2010 at 12:19 pm

My family accidentally welcomed a third child long after the first two were born. It was highly embarrassing for pre-teen me, the first born, as it was proof my parents still had sex.

This third child turned out to get his phD in pharmaceutical chemistry, became a professor, married the best sister-in-law from the best family of three girls ever, have the only "three" grand(children)sons and lives on your block.

I still woulda stuck w/ two hehehehe.


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