get comfortable with gross

by humanmama on November 7, 2012

If you are just having a baby, I need to tell you a few things. Babies are adorable, yes, and many people find them to be a sort-of lifetime achievement. However, you need to know how disgusting they actually are. And no one else will tell you but me.

So, here’s a list of things to watch out for. Go grab a pair of rubber gloves, quick.

Baby Points of Grossness (Infant Disgustingness Scale):

1. ) Poop. This really goes without saying, but it’s a good place to begin. Babies poop a lot, lot, lot, and if you don’t have an extra outfit, they usually poop more. And sometimes on you.

2. ) Spit up. This is, too, is probably something you already know. Also there is a rule of spitting up that all babies know: NEVER spit up on a spit rag. Wait until your parents move it or set it down. And always, always, always spit up on mommy’s clean new clothes. Not old yoga-looking things.

3. ) Boogies and tears. Yes, babies cry a lot. But it’s not them I am worried about. “What?!” you exclaim. Nope. It’s your boogies and tears. Before I had a baby I was not the crier in the family: Carp was. But now, oh dear, I can hardly get through a television show without crying. Forget the news. And a lifetime Original Movie? Don’t even mention it. Or the Ellen Show. Or the lottery number drawing. Or the Scrubbing Bubbles commercial. -Sniff- -Blubber…-

4. ) Nooks and Crannies. Now, I know you’re completing this is your head: “…are for snuggling!” But that’s not what I mean. Nooks and Crannies and the places where FUNK hides. I’m telling ya, you might love nuzzling the baby for a few weeks but in the back of your mind, you might begin to wonder, what is that smell? And I shall tell you. It’s the area between their neck and their head. Or between their little toes. Or their grubby little hands. Imagine what would be in your hands if you kept them closed into little fists 90% of the day, and the other 10% of the day were grabbing at anything with sweaty palms and sharp little nails. Yes, that combination leads to a little playdough in the palm–one made of lint, hair, sweat, and miscellaneous crumbs from older sisters. Gross…

All points of funk-entry

5. ) The belly button. Even though it’s a nook/cranny type of place, it gets its own category. Remember driving down the road and smelling something, and thinking, that’s roadkill there? Well, that is almost akin to the smell of a piece of skin/intestine-y thing drying out. Because before it’s dry, it’s wet. And oh, wet is gross.

6. ) I could go on and on. There are really quite a few things about babies that are totally icky. But I saved the best for last, because it’s the thing that keeps us parents keepin’ on. The last gross thing about babies? The love. Because the crazy, unspeakable amount of love that you have for them? Gross.


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