don’t have kids, then

by humanmama on September 13, 2012

Don’t have kids if you don’t want them. Really. Do not listen to the people telling you “Oh, you say that now!!!” They are wrong. You may change your mind, but you might not. And if you don’t want kids, please, for the love, do not have them. Use birth control. Abstain. But do not have kids if you don’t want them. It does something to you, having kids, and you might not like it.

Parenting makes you crazy. Case in point: your own parents. Crazy, right? And they probably don’t even know it. You know what made them crazy? Parenting. More specifically, parenting you. So, please, unless you want to be crazy (or thought of as crazy) do not have kids.

It’s embarrassing. If you don’t like to be embarrassed in public, parenting might not be for you. if you’ve never left a restaurant mid-meal, or a grocery shopping trip empty-handed, let me just say it makes you crazy (see above). But if you would never leave these places, or haven’t ever given another parent leaving these places a little knowing wink, then parenting might not be your thing. Because, let me say again, sometimes you have to bite the bullet and just embrace the embarrassment, and it’s tough.

It’s exhausting. I have never been so tired in my life as I have been the last 6+ years. And I have a lot of energy. Ask anyone. It’s a job where you’re on call every day, for 24 hours a day. Parenthood makes dairy farming look like a nice change of pace. (“What? Milk them starting at 4am and ending at 10pm? That’s it?!”) And sometimes, it seems like the children might actually know when you’ve just arrived in that REM sleep, because that’s usually when they need to nurse, or go potty, or throw up. And think you’ll have time in the day to relax? Well, if you work, nope, and if you work at home, well, nope.

It makes you say incredibly odd things. Things like “No thank you, ballerinas wipe their own bums.” Things like “Yes, sometimes your hand really hurts when you hit your sister with it. ” Things like, “No, cheese does not belong in your bed.” again, see above. How do you think you slowly, methodically, drove your parents crazy? So, if you don’t like to utter totally ridiculous things, parenting might not be your style.

Sure, they’re amazing, and they usually sort-of look like you if you birth them. Sure, if you adopt, you might just feel more blessed and lucky then you ever felt in your life. Sure they’ll cuddle to you and love you like no one else will, ever, and sure, they’re amazing when they sleep. Yes, they can enrich your life when you’re young, and perhaps they’ll take care of you and visit when you’re old. They truly give you a chance to be better, to live up to their high expectations. Yes, its a fact, they’ll help you live longer and maybe they’ll even give you grand kids and pass on your genes and your family story for generations to come. And it’s true, they will make your life fuller then you ever imagined.

Okay, go ahead, have them. But, seriously, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

foiled again!

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Holly September 28, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I love this.

I never thought I would be a parent until Ellen and I started talking about it – and planned it out (on this side of the fence, there are no accidents) – and even though at times it’s rough, it’s still the very best thing I have ever done in my entire life.


aj October 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

true, true.


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