be aware that eighteen months old is hell

by humanmama on January 13, 2014

In light of the positive and wonderful fact that I have decided January is Self-Awareness Month, please take this as a warning for your health and mental health: eighteen months of age is the Seventh Level of Parenting Hell. I’m sure that if I die, and St. Peter doesn’t let me through the pearly gates, the Hell I have waiting for me involves keeping a large pack of eighteen-month-olds safe. In Hell.benji18

Because that is what it is like here. Except thank heavens there’s only one of them. Dear parents of twins: I AM SO SORRY. Congratulations. You are better than the rest of us. (Except for parents of triplets.) Because while that “first year is the toughest!” (when the babies are all so neeeeeedy and cryyyying and poooooping and nursing, nursing, bottling, whatever), hardly anyone ever mentions the year-and-a-half time, when babies are INSANE and HAVE FREE WILL but still ARE UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND DANGER and TAKE NO DIRECTION WHATSOEVER.

Do I sound stressed? Ha, haha, ha, not really. He’s super cute. Actually, here’s a pro/con list of being eighteen months:



adorable bipolar
starting to communicate communication is often physical
sits on lap on purpose for several seconds does not understand English
extremely difficult to maintain
lives for danger
absolutely no concept of fear
a tiny bit evil

Okay: let’s start with the Pros: they can basically communicate love and are cute. Which is nice. But moving over to the cons you can see that their manic/depressive/abusive to siblings behavior is often paired with no concept of fear and an absolute magnetism towards danger of any kind. And those things, along with the difficulty in keeping them clean, nails trimmed, and booger free without incident–oh, you can see where I’m going with all of this. It’s really, really rough to raise an 18-month-old. There! I said it.

And, also? If you don’t know what “awwahhawaaah” means, you can just read it, out loud, to yourself over and over. And raise your voice about two octaves. But really project your voice. And don’t stop repeating that until about 45 minutes has passed. Now, take a look around at the crazy, angry, horrified and exhausted people around you. Yes, now you’re getting it.

But, oh, geez. The cuteness. I’m sure that’s why they’re so cute. Because it saves them, every time.

So, there you go. You’ve been warned.



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