i’m almost there…

by humanmama on November 7, 2014

Hello, you lovely readers! Since my kitchen was totally blown out in August, I haven’t been able to traverse to the basement to get my write-on to you. So, I’ve been doing some here and there on the iPad. Imagine my surprise (and my fundraising efforts for a laptop!) when I just logged on to humanmama to see that the iPad has some sort of flaw, and won’t process my requests from WordPress, and therefore none of my ingenious writing has actually made it to the blog.

Now, imagine that this is where I state “this was the best writing I have ever done, to date, and there’s no way I could recreate the simple and relatable writing style and complex and casual humor of those pieces.” Now, imagine that you’ll never know if those pieces were actually hilarious and wonderful or a lot of my complaining about being preggo.

Anyway, I’m here in the basement on the ol’ desktop (insert sound of modem loading via 1997 here), updating you on my life. Things are good, actually, and this has been hands down the easiest pregnancy so far! Which is awesome, since it is most certainly the last. Before you say “Never say never,” let it be said that at the end of December both I and the Carp will likely have been sterilized and therefore our biological line will officially cease. Also, before you say “Don’t say it was easy! Don’t jinx yourself!” let me just say that it has been the easiest pregnancy until this month, wherein someone must surely be kicking me each night in the crotch with cowboy boots before I wake up. I haven’t seen the culprit, but I assure you I can feel the samage the next morning, all the time. I’m not sure what it is, a nerve thing, a baby’s-laying-on-a-tender-spot thing, but something is terribly wrong, and heh! heh! you know there’s only one thing I can do about it, which is to have the baby.

It’s so beautiful being a woman. And so terribly unfair, as the case stands. But, although this wasn’t exactly a planned pregnancy, I pretty much know what I’m getting into when I find out, so all in all this hasn’t been a bad one. I have no abs left to keep this baby in, though, so if you see my van careening down the street and it looks like no one is driving it, DO NOT WORRY! I am driving, just I have to be laying down to do so. I’m letting the kids shout out directions to me. They’re doing fine.

I let Helena count the days left on my phone, and there’s really only like 40 days to go. So, here’s to you, my dears, and here’s to the iPad, you rotten scoundrel. Hopefully I can get a few more words out to you all in the final countdown, before my vagina implodes.


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8 month update

October 24, 2014